Moving Fast

I know it has been several days since I wrote last. I was back and forth from San Diego to South Pasadena. My life is split between two places and sometimes I feel like I don't even know where I am or what my role is. I'm trying to stay afloat, but the stress is wearing on me and I won't be at all surprised if soon I break out in a strand of pimples that spell "STRESS" across my forehead. I was joking earlier that I would prefer that to the cold sore that appeared out of nowhere the other day and seems to only be getting more severe, despite the rapid Abreva treatments I applied.

So here I am, sitting late at night in San Diego in front of my computer trying to figure out the right words to convey the multitude of feelings and experiences I have had over the past week. Matthew is DETERMINED to get out of the hospital and return to his life. His courage and strength are admirable and demonstrate a will to move forward that goes unmatched by anyone I have ever met. I do not mean in any way to diminish how grateful I am for his determination and recovery so far. I must say, though, that I have had a difficult time coming to terms with him moving home so quickly. He wants to go back to his roommates, back to his friends, back to his life, and I certainly understand this desire. I also am so afraid. He came so close to death. I am afraid he is pushing himself too hard, too fast. I am afraid that he will injure himself in the process of attempting to maneuver on his own. I am afraid to feel the feelings I felt the first week after his accident. Of course, logically, I know that I have to let go, and that he technically is an adult and is in charge of his own decisions, and that I can't protect him from everything, and that I have to be able to manage my own feelings without allowing them to interfere with his process and progress. But let me tell you, this is hard!!! I think I have a taste now of what it might be like to be a parent and the many times a parent has to "let go" and allow her child to get to the next phase of her life. It's difficult to feel like I know what might be best for my brother, but to not be on the same page with his ideas about his own future. So, I sit and struggle. I write it all out so that it is not so caught in my heart. I write it so that I remember my own process. And I write for support.

We will see what the next week brings. I don't think Matthew will be discharged quite as early as he is expecting and we are going to be making sure that the insurance is not trying to discharge him early for the sake of monetary savings. In any case, we are on the brink of another transition, and as you can see, I have a hard time with accepting all of the changes and moving forward. I see my brother and I see how much love is there and I also see how some things never change. I will always try to protect him and he will always tell me, "Erin, I can do it."

I will keep everyone posted about the outcome of our team meeting, which is taking place this weekend. Thank you again for all of your support and kindness. You have been amazing.