Monday, January 25, 2010
Matthew will be discharged from the rehab hospital this Thursday. My family and I had no idea things would progress so quickly. It has been quite an experience to go from ICU to this in just over one month's time. I have experienced the lowest lows and the highest highs in the name of worry and sadness, love and joy. I have a newfound respect for life in all of its greatness and healing power. There is a place in my heart where I also find an internal sadness. It's a sadness that simply has not gone away and at times continues to grow stronger. I have lost part of my brother in this accident. Aspects of him will never be the same. He has made tremendous leaps and bounds over the course of a short amount of time, and again, I feel I risk discounting his progress in my expression of loss. His motivation has been inspiring to witness, yet I know there are pieces of this trauma that none of us, including he or I have fully come to terms with. To see him go immediately back to his house in North Park is terrifying for me. I have tried to ask my brother to give himself a month, to live with me in San Diego, to really allow the healing process to begin. I understand his want for independence and his strong desire to go back to his life, but I worry. What happens when everything is the same except for him? I am continuing to struggle with what is right, with how much of his family's voice it is helpful for him to hear. He is 24 years old. He is a man. He is my little brother. He is my mother and father's son. He is a best friend to so many. He is wise beyond his years. He is so young. He is still learning. How do we compromise? How do we come to a decision? I wonder if he looks back in several months or years, will he be grateful to us for intervening? Will he push us away? There is so much to feel angry about, so much sadness to feel. I want to be there with him in those moments, as much as anyone. Maybe he will listen to his big sister. Maybe he won't. To me it's a safety issue. To him, it's his life. I love my brother. I have to trust in that. I have to trust love.