Monday, January 25, 2010

Going Home

Matthew will be discharged from the rehab hospital this Thursday. My family and I had no idea things would progress so quickly. It has been quite an experience to go from ICU to this in just over one month's time. I have experienced the lowest lows and the highest highs in the name of worry and sadness, love and joy. I have a newfound respect for life in all of its greatness and healing power. There is a place in my heart where I also find an internal sadness. It's a sadness that simply has not gone away and at times continues to grow stronger. I have lost part of my brother in this accident. Aspects of him will never be the same. He has made tremendous leaps and bounds over the course of a short amount of time, and again, I feel I risk discounting his progress in my expression of loss. His motivation has been inspiring to witness, yet I know there are pieces of this trauma that none of us, including he or I have fully come to terms with. To see him go immediately back to his house in North Park is terrifying for me. I have tried to ask my brother to give himself a month, to live with me in San Diego, to really allow the healing process to begin. I understand his want for independence and his strong desire to go back to his life, but I worry. What happens when everything is the same except for him? I am continuing to struggle with what is right, with how much of his family's voice it is helpful for him to hear. He is 24 years old. He is a man. He is my little brother. He is my mother and father's son. He is a best friend to so many. He is wise beyond his years. He is so young. He is still learning. How do we compromise? How do we come to a decision? I wonder if he looks back in several months or years, will he be grateful to us for intervening? Will he push us away? There is so much to feel angry about, so much sadness to feel. I want to be there with him in those moments, as much as anyone. Maybe he will listen to his big sister. Maybe he won't. To me it's a safety issue. To him, it's his life. I love my brother. I have to trust in that. I have to trust love.


  1. Thank you for trusting your brother. Matthew's mind is very powerful and it speaks to him. This is what is healing. His love for you and your parents have grown deeper and stronger. Your continued encouragement will strengthen him and increase the healing power of his body. The power of the mind and spirit does wonders - it is indeed miraculous.

  2. Matt. you rock. That is such a shame you had to "wait" for pain control. That is against the law. Families have sued their doctors and won for not treating pain in a timely manner!
    And if I have been there, I just would have opened my purse and slipped you some pain meds. You keep being that squeaky wheel. When you go home, you will be able to treat your pain, just don't go overboard...there is alot of life in you yet!! I see a very profound future for you. Mamma Mia Papp

  3. Wow, that was fast. Please keep us posted on matt's progress!