Sunday, January 31, 2010

Home Is Where Sister Is

Matthew came home from the hospital Thursday afternoon after a long ordeal with doctor appointments and discharge bureaucracy. Matthew had to wait again for his pain medication because my dad had to run to the pharmacy and get all of the prescriptions filled, which takes time. Again, it is beyond me why all of this coordination of care could not have been organized by the hospital. With enough notice, everything could have been set up for Matthew upon discharge, but instead, all of it is left up to the family and we were not given any of the details until the day of discharge. Maybe in my free time I will pursue some sort of letter.

Matthew finally decided, hesitantly and with unimaginable frustration, that living with me in an apartment in San Diego would be ok in the interim, until he is stronger and farther along in his recovery process. I know how much he wanted to go home, but my intuition was telling me in an extremely loud voice that going home would not be the best option just yet. While I am so grateful and relieved that Matthew is here with me, the transition has been hard. I certainly do not want to be the source of disappointment and yet, I am willing to be for my brother's sake. I am learning to be patient and trying my best to avoid taking his expression of frustration and anger personally. The weight of what has happened is so heavy at times and I know he feels like he is carrying the whole burden of his recovery on his shoulders. He feels completely responsible for the amount of progress he makes. I hope to be a support to Matthew on this journey. I hope to remember my role and my purpose, even on the hard days. I know Matthew loves having his friends around and all of his friends support has been amazing. I need everyone's help and support in this and I know that my brother has some of the very best friends out there who will help carry him through this.

I feel at a loss for words tonight. I want to write about my own experience, but so much of my experience now is tied into his, I don't know where mine stops and where his begins. I may leave more of the details for Matthew to describe. My intention is to provide updates to the best of my ability based on my own perspective and experience. I hope this makes sense.


  1. Erin, love, the support is out there, waiting to be requested, just remember to ask. As capable as you and Matt are, you need not attempt to solve everything and resolve every issue on your own. BTW, your intention couldn't be clearer. You have a beautiful gift in your writing. Your ability to convey your experience, as much as it is tied to Matthew's is what draws us into these descriptions and emotions. You are amazing.

  2. You are awesome!!!!

    Keeping you both in my prayers,