Starting To Feel

It took me a long time to collect myself today to be able to write. Today was quite emotional for me. My mom is fighting a cold so she can't go visit Matthew until she is feeling better. My dad went back up to Pleasanton for a couple of days to get things more situated. So, I was on my own visiting my brother today. I started to talk to him. I asked if he could hear me and he nodded his head. His eyes were barely open. I told him how blessed he is. He nodded. I told him how much I love him and I promised to always take care of him. I then told him that I can read to him if he would like me to. He burrowed his eyebrows and I thought he was trying to tell me that he didn't think that was a good idea, so I immediately said that I won't read to him if he doesn't want me to. Then I noticed something changing in his face. He looked distressed and he kept pressing his head back into the pillow. I suddenly realized that something was wrong. I asked him, "What's wrong Matthew?" At that moment, tears began to stream down from the corners of his eyes. He was trying to breath harder. His heart rate and blood pressure shot up. He was balling and there was nothing I could do. Everything else I said to try to comfort him made him cry harder. I felt helpless. I couldn't comfort him. I couldn't hold him. I couldn't stop his pain. I ran to the nurse. She wiped his tears and tried to comfort him. At that point, another nurse began asking him if he was in pain. He shook his head. The nurse asked if he felt anxious. He shook his head. I said to the nurse, "I think he's sad." She asked him, "Are you sad?" He nodded his head. My heart shattered into pieces. I wanted so badly to save him from this. I wanted to lift him up and hold him in my arms. I wanted him to know that everything was going to be ok, that he is loved, and prayed for, and admired, and held dear in so many hearts. I worried that maybe he was not wanting me to see him like this. But then, luckily, my mom's dear friend reminded me that he was probably feeling very comforted in the moment; he probably really did want me to read to him. He was probably feeling so safe and loved and supported and this touched him somewhere in his core. I understand his pain...I feel it too. Pain is universal, which allows us all to have compassion for each other and act in kindness. I know Matthew always acts out of compassion and kindness and now I hope he sees that his efforts are being reciprocated. I love him so very, very much.

I checked with Matthew's nurse tonight and he said that Matthew may have his breathing tube removed tomorrow. They are going to try to reduce his pain medication so that he can start breathing on his own again (the pain meds inhibit his drive to breathe). There is also a possibility that Matthew will have surgery tomorrow to temporarily pin his pelvis together. If this happens, though, he will not be removed yet from the breathing machine. I will continue to keep everyone posted. Please keep praying and sending your warm thoughts, wishes, and energy.