It is so difficult to watch my younger brother endure that kind of pain. I want him to feel free at least from guilt, but I just have to sit with him through it all. My life is up in the air, which also doesn't help. I know I need to be here to help him through his recovery. I want to be here. I am having such a hard time imagining being a therapist with my brother in this state. I don't know how people do it. How do I move on with my life and continue to support my brother in the ways that he needs? That is the question of the night.
Monday, December 28, 2009
We made it through one obstacle and we're on to the next. Today was a reminder of what a long road this will be. We saw Matthew today and he is so aware of everything...his injuiries, his pain, his feelings of loss, sadness, guilt, frustration. He was so scared of the pain; it felt so enormous. He couldn't sleep last night because of panic attacks from the medication and he was informed by the doctor this morning that in six months, he may have the same contraptions he has now. Tears dropped from his eyes ever so carefully as I placed my check on his forehead and tried my best to comfort him. He said, "I feel lucky to be alive, and of course I would rather be alive than dead, but I can only feel lucky for so long."